Can You Get Food Poisoning from Porking a Fat Girl?
Depends on what she had for lunch 🤔
Welcome to Well After Dark, the internet’s first health and wellness newsletter that isn’t completely full of shit. Actually, that’s not entirely true. Like CNN’s Covid death tracker, this newsletter will be built entirely on bullshit. After all, health is a nasty thing to write about – the smells, the fluids, the sultry sound of air escaping through a chick’s vagina like a trumpet at first dawn (happy belated Memorial Day to all patriots, by the way). It’s all fair game, and weirdly, it’s all important.
I mean c’mon, there’s just nothing better than potty humor. You loved it when you were 6 and you still love it now. It’s the great equalizer across all races, classes, creeds, and genders (including the ones sporting a foreskin made out of forearm). Face it: farts are always funny and squirters will always blow our minds. No matter what new fetish the libs trot out at the next school board meeting, ultimately, it’s all just asses, elbows, and nerve endings. It’s our perception of it all that makes it so vital to our lives.
Hate to break it to any young bucks reading who have yet to settle down, but women do not in fact shit roses – they actually shit enough to fertilize an entire rose garden if we’re being honest. Just constantly slipping away for a cheeky number two. Even the girl of your dreams — the hard 10 with teardrop DD titties, a cinched waist, and a perfect 12-spoke asshole — she still has to push out last night’s dinner each morning.
And since most hotties usually have stomach issues, that morning dump is probably sliding out more like Willy Wonka’s chocolate waterfall than a dainty little flower petal…which makes spreading it evenly over the soil a bit easier at least.
And yet, I’m positive I could find you ten Barstool readers who would gladly swim freestyle in that river of chocolate right now if it meant they could tongue-tie blondie’s balloon knot. Maybe 10,000. Isn’t that wild? That that which we hold so dear — but also find so revolting — all basically exists within a few inches of each other? Dumper, taint, pussy, balls, clit, cock, and grafted forearm – they’re all neighbors in the great town of Pound.
I’m sorry, but the human body is just too fucking funny to let podcast bros and biohackers corner the market on health. Anatomy was made for comedy. If I hear one more TikTok tool tell me to hit my macros or sun my grundle, I’m going to creatine fart on his pillow and give him the strongest pink eye my HSA can buy.
And don’t get me started on the goddam liberals. If I see one more “peer-reviewed,” circle jerk puff piece on “Why ultra-processed foods aren’t actually that bad for you” written by some beluga whale from Healthline with Cheetos dust on her fins, I’m flying to China to learn the poaching business. (I would’ve just bought a virus and brought it home but apparently everyone is immune now thanks to the vaccines and boosters. Thanks daddy gvt!)
Anyways, I hope you stick around and have some laughs – maybe save this newsletter for your Friday afternoon dump on company time. You know the dump I’m talking about – post-lunch, a little nicotine in your blood to help keep things moving, your ass parked in the handicap stall for a half hour ‘til your legs get a little numb. It’s a sacred time of the work day.
Together we’ll learn some things, have some laughs, and hopefully become more comfortable in our own skin.
The Rundown:
The What:
Well After Dark is a health and wellness newsletter with balls. Nothing is off-limits, nothing is sacred, everybody is fair game. Mark Morrison might even call it a Return of the Sac.
The vision is simple. Too many people today are living with a chip on their shoulder – waddling around demanding a better world but waiting for someone else to fix it. Obsessed with equality but devoid of all quality.
Hey snackers, instead of asking Delta to build a special plane seat that can accommodate your FUPA as a third carry-on, maybe try dropping that chip on your shoulder instead of eating it. Life is supposed to be fun…and funny. Relax. All good things start with health.
The How:
You received this email because we have a mutual friend who thought you’d like it. If this type of newsletter isn’t for you, unsubscribing is easy – no hard feelings, and no need to report spam. I’ll just assume you were one of folks who traded their medical autonomy for a free Krispy Kreme donut back in 2021. It’s cool, sorry to bother you. Enjoy your life.
The Why:
Not only is health and wellness funny as hell when you really think about it, but it’s also a mystery to most people – we’ve never been fatter, sicker, and slower…which is a bit tragic. But if you think about it, doesn’t all mystery usually stem from tragedy? Which made me wonder, can potty humor save the world?
Tell me what’s wrong with this picture: every pansexual public school in America will GLAADly hand out “Baby’s First Bondage Kink” coloring books to the kids, but God forbid schools protect them from sexualization, or even teach the basics once they get older, like safe sex, personal hygiene, and nutrition. They tell the kids to wipe their asses with the stars and stripes, but make them salute a rainbow of sodomy and scissoring.
News flash: the type of sex you enjoy has nothing to do with your fucking nationality; we didn’t grow up in the land of the ‘D’ and the home of the gays. If you want to do something as an adult in your own home, then by all means enjoy yourself. But there’s ways to educate kids about acceptance & compassion without sending them to Prison Bitch Island during their formative years.
It’s no wonder young people are entering the world completely devoid of discernment these days, and then end up being fat, broke, and depressed (and mad at the airlines). If “everything is good for you,” then nothing is good for you. Learning to take care of yourself is crucial.
But if I’ve learned anything during my career as a writer (which includes writing, editing, and publishing over 2,500 media articles), it’s this: insolence cannot stand to be mocked. People who are living according to principles of wellness, mental health, personal integrity, and worldly success…those people can take a joke. They can laugh at themselves. Hell, they WELCOME jokes because they know a little humor is what makes life worth living.
It’s the lethargic losers of the world who can’t stand the jokes. So instead of learning a thing or two about health and taking control of their lives, they think they’ll just tear down the entire notion of ‘living a good life,’ entirely. Not on my fucking watch.
A famous theologian once wrote: the devil can’t bear scorn, so jeer and flout him. So, when folks start getting offended (and I promise, they always will), just remember that the most effective satire is the one that pushes their own warped logic to the extreme. You don’t tell someone how to live their life; you encourage them to keep living so incredibly backwards that they either wake up, or bury themselves in their own misery. THAT’S how things actually change – not through indoctrination, but through exasperation. Most people have to hit rock bottom before they take control of their lives. You can’t punish someone more than their own decisions punish themself.
The When:
Like a middle-aged couple on a sex schedule, I’m shooting for one newsletter per week. Probably less.
The Where:
We’re starting out as a newsletter and will hopefully move towards social media. I also started an X account (@well_afterdark). Email me your love, hate, questions, or your girlfriend’s tits: wellafterdark@proton.me
On to the newsletter!
Can you get food poisoning from banging a fat girl?
They say all genius is actually inconceivably simple. And I’ve gotta admit, it didn’t take much for me to come up with the idea of an R-rated health and wellness newsletter. It all started with a question asked to me in earnest from my friend (we’ll call him Broseph) – hey Johnny, random…but do you know if I can get food poisoning from fucking a fat girl?
Sweet Jesus what a glorious question. The kind of question only Dudes ™ ask other dudes. The kind of question where you’re not quite sure if they’re joking — maybe you’re friends with the dumbest human alive and never knew…or maybe they’re onto something earth-shatteringly brilliant. But really, the kind of question born out of a place of fear – when you know you’re getting sick, so you start panicking a little. Stomach gurgling, nauseous, beads of sweat forming on the brow as you brace yourself for the fart symphony that’s about to come knocking.
There’s nothing quite like food poisoning to bring out the DEI-hire in all of us. I mean, when your mouth and ass are competing to see which can dehydrate you first, your inner retard is coming out. It just is. I knew for Broseph to be asking the question meant he had to be struggling like a minority in med school. And what do you do when you get desperate? You start retracing your steps.
Me: What did you eat?
Him: Ok, I had 17 Busch lights last night, some hot chicken with the boys (nobody else got sick), some nachos at the bar, and split some pizza with a slumpbuster I met late night. May have eaten the ass, can’t remember.
Hey, I don’t judge, big girls need love, too. And you know what? They’re more grateful. They’re more excited. Plus, they could probably use a snack, so they’re happy to gobble your dick down like a poolside popsicle. I’ll even take it a step further – if you ever meet a guy who claims to have never bagged a fatty, he’s either lying or he’s too suave for his own good. Either way, he’s untrustworthy. Slumpbusters get your averages up, they get you back in the groove, they get you sweatin’ again (especially if they like to bounce it cowgirl and your dick is one slip away from a compound fracture). God bless every one of them.
But hmmm, I don’t know bro, maybe you just eat like total shit and your gut microbiome has been completely compromised.
She told me the next morning she had been sick earlier in the week, so I’m wondering if food poisoning sticks around longer in their blood or something? (Kinda like how marijuana [THC] normally stays in your fat cells for about four weeks, but can be flushed out of your system in just days if you’re muscular, lean, and well-hydrated?)
No, Broseph didn’t actually ask that second part – I added it as a little FYI. This is a wellness newsletter, remember! But it does beg the question, do overweight people transfer disease more easily? And what’s the deal with food poisoning? Is there anything we can do once it starts?
The short answer is no – thickies aren’t more contagious than the rest of us, and food poisoning doesn’t travel airborne. But sickness certainly can linger for longer in the chronically obese. Higher body mass means higher pressure on organs due to a lack of flowing oxygen. So when filtering organs like liver and kidneys don’t receive as much oxygen as needed, they stagnate and accumulate stress. Inflammation driven by immune cells called macrophages (which invade our fat tissue) also leads to lowered immune response. Macrophages interfere with how our cells respond to infection. This cycle of immune response/inflammation/more immune response can lead to a “cytokine storm” - a potentially life-threatening over-reaction of the body's immune system which causes even more inflammation and elevates the potential for serious harm.
As for food poisoning, there are over 250 specific types of irritants, including bacteria, viruses, parasites, funguses, and toxins. So the origins of Broseph’s issues could’ve been a lot of things. As much as I scoured the Cleveland Clinic’s website, though, I couldn’t find any mention of “big girl brown eye” as one of those irritants. But like Lizzo trying to let out a fart on stage, I wouldn’t risk it. We should honestly just make it a Man Law: don’t eat fat girl ass you just met.
I did find “Listeria,” though, on the website, so I asked what he had for lunch that day before. A salad from [random dive bar], he told me.
Bingo. And I thought only women ordered the wrong thing at the wrong time. (My girl, for instance, will order poached fish at a sports bar while the NFL game is on, hate it, and then ask for half of my food. The female brain is truly incredible).
So yes, sounds like Listeria to me: bacteria in soft cheeses, deli meats, hot dogs and raw sprouts (lettuce being the most common) can cause an infection called listeriosis. {Side note: I didn’t know about the hot dog risk before doing some research…maybe this is why Dodger Stadium smells like Wonka’s lesser-known second Tijuana factory – Dodger dogs and el Listerià everywhere. And little brown Oompa Loompas.}
If you do find yourself poppin’ the cork out of both holes, my best advice is to swallow down some apple cider vinegar the first chance you get. I shit you not, ACV has saved my ass multiple times. I guess it’s so acidic that it kills whatever naughty bacteria is hiding in your gut. Anything fermented will work, really: kimchi, sauerkraut, kombucha. It’s all good for you, but ACV works best for me.
Bottom line: don’t eat random salads from the place that serves the cheapest beer in town. And also, just to be safe, maybe skip the ass eatin’ if she can’t touch her toes (although I think it’s safe to say if she’s that big, she ain’t eating any salads anyways, so it’s probably fine). Here’s to good eating.
The Weekly Protocol:
1- Hack of the week: Brush Your Teeth with Coconut Oil
Coconut oil boasts antibacterial properties while also being free from the chemicals, foaming agents, and artificial flavors found in most commercial toothpastes. Mix in some baking soda to make a paste, or if this sounds too crunchy for you at the moment, just swish the oil around your mouth for a few minutes after your brush with regular toothpaste. The oil will whiten your teeth and leave your breath smelling great for way longer than mouthwash. Just be sure to channel your inner cum camel afterwards and spit the oil (not down the drain obviously), instead of swallowing.
2- Speaking of slang for “girl who spits instead of swallows,” the internet really let me down. The best I could find on urban dictionary was “antisemenite,” which is pretty funny considering the literal antisemites on college campuses are 100% “antisemenites,” as well, right? Like, there’s no way those feminist neo-nazis are swallowing anything besides another Karl Marx thinkpiece or a handful of Lexapro.
So what have we learned: whether you hate the Jews or hate the splooge, you’re welcome in the American Ivy Leagues. Let me know in the comments if you’ve got any better names for the spitters of the world.
3- Dirty joke of the week: how do you know if you have a high sperm count? Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
4- TikTok of the week:
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Ok last swallow reference of the newsletter, but damn, can you imagine swallowing anything better than a Big Mac after 17 years in the joint? Dude’s been eating jelly and syrup since before Obama came to office. There’s about 100 prison-themed all beef patty and special sauce jokes I could make right now, but at Well After Dark, we don’t kick another man when he’s riding high. McDonald’s isn’t exactly gourmet eating, but like a prison bitch looking for protection, I hope he finds his gravy train soon. Cheers brother.
5- McDonald’s documentary legend Morgan Spurlock died of complications from cancer last week. He was 53.
Super Size Me, Spurlock’s groundbreaking documentary where he exclusively ate at McDonald’s for 30 days, was one of the first docs of the modern TV era. Released in 2003, it made you rethink your opinion on one of America’s most fundamental pillars, which was unheard of at the time. We’re all so jaded and awake to the subversion of corporate bureaucracy now, but in the early 2000’s, it was pretty unfathomable that any business (especially one as revered as McDonald’s), might intentionally sell you a product that could hurt you. Ignorance was bliss.
6- Dad joke of the week: Did you hear the one about the constipated math teacher? He worked it out with a pencil.
If you’re constipated, don’t pop a bunch of laxatives first thing. Almost anything “pharmaceutical” comes with negative side effects, especially related to the gut. Try magnesium, instead. It both softens stool (by drawing water into your intestines) and relaxes your muscles, allowing for easier elimination and less straining. Begin by taking 200 milligrams of oral magnesium citrate each day and gradually increase the amount until the consistency of your stool improves.
7.-Dickname of the Week: The Ropeswing. Everyone likes hanging out down by the rope swing on a hot summer day.
8- Strip club antics: Eventually I’ll dedicate an entire Well After Dark to the art of the titty bar, but for now, take this idea as a token of my friendship.
If you’re headed to a strip club and want to have some (legal and non-threatening) fun with the girls, get a table, get to chatting, and tell them your whole group popped Viagra beforehand, and whoever sports wood first has to buy a round of drinks for everyone. It’s clever, it’s fun, it gives the girls something to work for, and it makes the night all about sex in a funny, non-creepy way (assuming, of course, your group isn’t creeping them out already).
Whether or not you actually take the Viagra beforehand is up to you.
9- Speaking of dick pills, it’s wild how far we’ve drifted from old grey bushes just trying to muster up a respectable stiffy while they dance with their wives under the moonlight. Sildenafil (the active ingredient in Viagra) is basically sold over-the-counter at this point, and the marketing has skewed away from medical issues more towards ambiguous sport-fucking (I mean c’mon, if that dude has ED it’s because he drank too many Cosmos in West Hollywood, not because he’s getting old).
And speaking of gays, shoutout to PRIDE month – who would’ve predicted the gays go from second-class citizens to basically the terrorists from Die Hard in just a few generations? Fuck with them and they’ll blow your whole life up, amiright? Has anyone made a Cockatomi Tower porn spoof, yet?
10- All this cock talk got me thinking: I’ve got to assume that dick pills have ravaged the gay community like crack hitting the ghetto in 1981 or OnlyFans hitting suburban white women in 2020, right? Welcome to our modern world, where dicks have never been harder and brains have never been softer. But hey, as the old Rothschild saying goes, when there’s cum in the streets…
Call me crazy, but maybe it’s time for a new cock on the block. A traditionally masculine, apple-pie eating, no fucks given, bangs for all four hours of the erection instead of going to the ER type of dick pill company. Here are some free taglines if you feel like starting a million dollar business:
We know what a woman is
It’s a guy thing
Walk taller, then call her
Where did all the real men go?
Straight shooters only (lol)
Phew! That’s it for our inaugural issue of Well After Dark. I’m going to keep tinkering with the format, (and they certainly won’t be this long every time), but I had a lot to cover today. Definitely more fun to come. If you enjoyed it, forward it to a friend and help spread the word. If you hated it, then, well, you sound like an antisemenite and should probably relax your jaw more. Enjoy your weekends you filthy animals.