Mourning Wood: What your funeral boner really means
Plus, the t*ts that saved Canada 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦
Welcome back to Well After Dark, the internet’s first health and wellness newsletter that isn’t completely full of shit. If you missed last week’s inaugural installment, we covered a wide range of topics, including homegrown fertilizers (the wife’s dumper), the dangers of eating ass (there are none as long as she’s too fat for salads), and the current state of our old friend Viagra (gayer than a school board meeting in Portland). We’re also still on the hunt for the perfect nickname for “women who spit instead of swallow” – antisemenite is the leader in the clubhouse…but like an Army wife on a dating app, I think we can do better.
Last week’s newsletter was also over 3,000 words long, which isn’t going to be the norm. It was the Girthmaster of wellness blogs, the chode of all chuckles. Carnival sideshow cock is funny sometimes, sure, but it’s not very economical. To be honest, I’m not a big “gape” porn guy, either; I’m not trying to rescue little Timmy at the bottom of Jynxi Lane’s rectum well (“Lassie” would be a funny Dickname though).
No, we’re bell curve guys here at Well After Dark – six inches and a little swagger is really all you need in life. In other words, keep it simple. My vision for this project is 2-5 minutes while you’re taking a number two. Learn a few things, have a few laughs, and then flush before your legs start cramping up. Happy hour is just a few hours away, so let’s get down to business.
Mourning Wood: What your Funeral Boner Really Means
One of the funniest conversations I ever had with my girl was explaining what it’s like to go through puberty as a human being with a fully functioning penis. Girls may mature earlier than boys, but damn, when it’s our turn for hormones to rage, our 13-year-old cocks become more unruly than a mosh pit during the Bush administration.
Puberty dick is more erratic than your recently divorced friend with too much time on his hands, and more ruthless than the ex-wife whose fault it was. When you’re in 7th grade, all it takes is a stiff breeze and you’re pitching a tent worthy of a merit badge. And don’t even get me started on the wet dreams – waking up with enough baby batter in your shorts to bake a pound cake is a fucking strange moment in a young man’s life. I mean, there’s nobody you can really talk to about it, and there’s absolutely no controlling it. Like a black dude trawling for fat white women, you’re just at the mercy of your biology.
I vividly remember catching a couple of phantom boners during that age 13-15 stretch – diamond cutters so strong that they could’ve taken down Rodney King. Erections that made no sense whatsoever. They usually popped up in the morning on the way to school. Riding in the backseat, staring out the window, making eye contact with the wrong tree and BOOM, I’m a walking isosceles triangle and I’ve got to walk to class.
Anytime I regale my girl with old unwanted boner stories, she shakes her head in amazement. It’s just a truly different experience growing up boy versus girl, the hunter versus the hunted. Men have to make their way in the world; for women (especially attractive women), the world comes to them. The boner is the metaphor for life — harden up, be a little cocky, and lead the way. That’s just how we were designed, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. A big part of success in life is learning how to use the tools we were given.
In case you didn’t know, here’s how your tool works, fellas. Erections occur when the "erection chambers" in the penis, called the corpora cavernosa (sounds like a kinky Harry Potter spell), fill with blood. It all starts when your brain sends signals to nerves in the penis, which trigger an increase in blood flow through the arteries in the pelvis. Blood flows into these sponge-like chambers to cause an erection. The nerves in the penis then produce nitric oxide, which acts as a "messenger" that maintains the erection through chemical relaxation of the veins.
Modern medicine has yet to definitively say why pubescent boys experience random boners at a much greater clip than adult men. All signs point to elevated testosterone and superior blood circulation during youth. But even adults experience far more boners than they even realize – for instance, did you know that adult men often cycle through 4-5 erections every night during sleep, each one lasting around thirty minutes? Which is super funny when you really think about it: mother nature is so damn horny for reproduction that she basically guarantees full cock functionality just in case the wife accidentally backs her dump truck into the wrong parking spot at 2AM.
Bottom line: cocks are crazy and our male hormones never really stopping Raging Against the Vajeen. Doesn’t matter what she looks like, if there’s a vagina that needs hollowing out, there’s a cock somewhere willing to turn down the lights and beat it up. It’s a part of our humanity that exists deep within us, just like our fear of falling or fear of loud noises, both of which every person develops at birth.
Therefore, is it any surprise that the “fear boner” has made its way into the lexicon of modern locker room banter? I mean, we need something to describe the mythical “unwanted erection” that ALL men experience during youth (and then subtly fear for the rest of their lives). Sporting wood in a locker room full of high school boys is the kind of thing that haunts a kid forever — your best man adds it to your wedding day speech one day. Like a corporate marketing campaign during pride month, you’ll never hear the end of it. Having a frisky, fully-functioning cock really is the ultimate double-edged sword: it’s great, until the moment it’s not.
And in the long list of places I’d rather not get a boner, I think a funeral has to be number one, right? The only rigor mortis of the day should be up on stage in the box, not in my pants. But as we’ve established, “mourning wood” may be out of our control. Think about it – when the body feels acute discomfort, adrenaline kicks in, which causes veins to constrict. When veins constrict, blood pressure rises and the heart compensates by pumping harder to maintain circulation. Is an erection really all that surprising at that point? You’ve got all the major factors at play: an unruly sex organ, mental stimulation, blood flow, a distant cousin in a little black dress across the church…let’s just say mourning wood’s not entirely out of the question.
My condolences for having read any of that.
The Starting 9
1- Headline of the week: North Korea sends hundreds more trash-carrying balloons to South Korea (AP)
Jews and Muslims get most of the international diplomacy press for their Middle East infighting, but the passive aggressive Asian antics to the East are way funnier. It’s just amazing how one country has morphed into two completely opposite cultures in every conceivable way – technology, luxury, and liberalism in the South; totalitarianism, poverty, and brainwashing to the North. But at the end of the day? They’re just brothers who slap fight and lob balloons full of trash and human feces into each other’s yard. What’s even better is that North Korea took full credit for the stink bombs (which they say came as retaliation for balloons full of democratic propaganda from the south - lol). “Herr yea we unreashed the dookie, and we’rr do it again.”
Imagine the poor bastard in R&D department in North Korea who got tasked at gunpoint with the creation of aforementioned poo balloons. Or imagine if the USA and Mexico hurled steamers wrapped up in tin foil like a burrito over the Rio Grande. It’s truly a family sitcom come to life. Who needs standing armies and a slew of heavy artillery when you can just piss on your brother’s toothbrush after he beat you in FIFA?
2- Speaking of trash, if this monstrosity is your coffee order and you’re looking for work, your services may be needed in Korea
Just imagine the shit balloons you could fill after subjecting your gut microbiome to that kind of torture. North Korea is known for starving their citizens into submission… but here in the USA, we do just the opposite: we ply the insolent with so much corn syrup that they become squishy and moldable like a balloon full of diarrhea, themselves.
According to one study, a whopping 86 percent of added dietary sugar in the standard American diet comes in the form of either corn syrup or white sugar, while only 14 percent comes from natural sweeteners like honey or fruit. And according to SugarScience.org, added sugars hide in 74 percent of processed foods under more than 60 different names. Processed fructose, especially, tends to cause more severe metabolic dysfunction than regular sugar, in part because it's more readily metabolized into fat than any other sugar.
3- The tits that saved Canada
Let’s keep the international theme going. Our neighbors to the north, Canada, might not be hurling poo balloons into Lake Michigan yet, but they’re more full of shit than almost any other developed country on this planet. Euthanasia for their elderly, frozen assets for their farmers, capital gains taxes up over 66 percent – it’s a communist’s wet dream come to life. Some might say hockey is the only cultural touchstone with an ounce of dignity left...too bad a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993.
But things are always darkest before the dawn. Heroes step up when we need them most. And in the great white north of Edmonton, Alberta, one Oilers fan answered the call with a (NSFW) titty flash that would’ve made Barry Allen blush. Her cunt-ry may be six feet under already, but her boys are in the Cup finals, and now every red blooded North American man is feeling the tingle of a little mourning wood as we collectively wonder: is Canada back from the dead?
4- It appears the gentlemen of Arkansas are dealing with a fear boner of their own (now that OU and Texas have joined the SEC)
This is old, but it makes me laugh out loud every year. It’s a screenshot so incredible that any attempt to make it funnier is really just a wasted load of words. There’s a lot of stiff competition in the world of health & wellness blogs, and you can’t just go around beating every masturbation joke into the ground that comes your way…even if they do tug at my heartstrings.
5- Dirty joke of the day
What do you call a man who cries when he masturbates? A tear jerker.
6- Glory glory hallelujah
If you want to laugh so hard you’ll cry, take a trip down memory lane to around July 2020 and revisit the Covid-era sexual guidelines that our own government issued. Included among the ideas were masking during sex (which used to be a felony), arm’s-length mutual masturbation (otherwise called a Saturday night at BYU), and my personal favorite: “get creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.” Government mandated glory holes baby! Masked up, ready to fuck, and completely disconnected from reality – maybe Eyes Wide Shut was a documentary all along?
7- And here comes fucking Canada again…
8- This will come as no surprise, but googling “glory hole etiquette” for WAD research isn’t all it’s cracked up to be
Just a good reminder that the world is way gayer than you think sometimes. Alex Jones has been saying for years that chemicals in the water are turning everything gay, and I’m starting to think he’s onto something. According to a 2010 study at Cal Berkely, Atrazine, one of the world’s most widely used pesticides, wreaks havoc on the sex lives of adult male frogs, emasculating three-quarters of them and turning one in 10 into females.
“These male frogs are missing testosterone and all the things that testosterone controls, including sperm. So their fertility is as low as 10 percent in some cases, and that is only if we isolate those animals and pair them with females,” said UC Berkeley’s Tyrone B. Hayes, professor of integrative biology. “In an environment where they are competing with unexposed animals, they have zero chance of reproducing.”
Of course, 2010 was an era before sexuality became weaponized as a political movement and usurped “nationality” as the primary indicator of community. These days, you’ll be laughed off the internet for even suggesting that such a study (from Berkely, mind you) could be real; and even when they do eventually admit its validity, mark my words, they’ll take PRIDE in it, as if losing your ability to reproduce is something to strive for. Don’t believe me? It’s already happening.
I’ll tell you one frog who never lost his nut sack was goddam Kermit the Motherfucking Frog. With a taste in women that would’ve made Sir Mix-a-lot proud, Kermit liked his hams thicc and juicy and wasn’t afraid to say so.
9. Speaking of healthy sex drive…
If you’ve been drinking too much pesticide and you’re struggling with libido issues, a small diet change may be all you need to give your own Miss Piggy the froggy fuck she deserves tonight. Try eliminating grains and non-fruit sugars and replacing them with high-quality fats and cholesterols (grass fed butter, a marbled ribeye, avocados, eggs, etc.). Monosaccharides (glucose and fructose) reduce human SHBG production by hepatocytes -- SHBG transports sex steroids and regulates their access to tissues. Furthermore, high-quality protein from meat and fish, as well as healthy fats such as egg yolk, lard, and butter, helps improve progesterone and DHEA secretion.
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